Reflecting, Inspiration, Work

The past few days I've done a lot of reflecting- thinking about what I want, where I am, where I want to be.  I realized that I have so far to go, but no worries, I'm on my way, and I will get there.  Yeah it might sound cheesy and cliche, but you know it doesn't make it any less true.

Lately, I have felt like spending all day with art.  I just want to draw all the time.  The only problem I can't find anything that I want to draw. I have no ideas, no inspiration, on what to do.  The other day, I got out all my art stuff, but sat there for ages trying to figure out what to do.  Yeah, I never came up with anything. I gotta find something, some sort inspiration, cuz its driving me crazy!

I am back to the real world of work, clean, work, sleep, and work some more.  It is ok though, because I need to earn the money! money, money, money.  There never seems to be enough.  Boy I can't wait until the end of the year, when I can actually start making some real money!

False Hopes

Have you ever built something up in your mind even though you tell everyone, even yourself, that you're indifferent, that it doesn't matter, that you aren't expecting anything?  In reality you have these high hopes buried deep down inside but you refuse to admit and acknowledge?  But then it hits you like a ton of bricks when you realize that they were all false?  I'm doing just that- trying to crawl out of an avalanche of bricks. Hopefully it makes me wiser, stronger, more determined.  And not dumber and more skittish.  Wise. Stong. Determined. Say it again. Wise. Strong. Determined.

we could RUN away

For the past few weeks, I feel like all I have done is work.  And if I'm not working, then I'm trying to catch up on sleeping.  I need as many work hours as I can get, but this is also supposed to be my summer BREAK.  Its not much of a break.  I just feel really drained.  The cherry on top, my favorite resident (patient) at work died.  I was the only one working at the time.  I had to be the one to clean her and get her ready for her family to see.  It was good she passed on, but I didn't want to see her after she'd gone.  I actually have more than one day off this week, so I am going to try and have some fun, relax, and have some "me" time.  I have decided to run away for the next couple days!


I was just going through some pictures this morning, and I realized I have squeezed in some laughs even though I'm becoming more of a work-a-holic everyday, and am completely exhausted.  Whether it is making wonderful birthday cakes, hitting a midnight movie and a late night birthday bash after work, putting up some room decorations in my room before bed and going to sleep feeling content,  impressing people with my mad bowling skills, or sitting in the back of a theater laughing at the movie or counting down the minutes til its over with a friend. I have to remember those little things that make me smile through out the week!

Oh good news of week.  I actually went grocery shopping for the first time in over 3 weeks! yesss. I actually have a little something to eat now when I'm home.

And So It Begins...

I have been so busy, I haven't even thought of my blog! So there's a lot to catch up on and to say.

Its summer time! I'm out of school. Working as many hours as I can.  Playing with Bryton and Brylee for much longer than I ever plan.  Going to Lake Powell for the weekend.  Meeting new people in the most random or unexpected times, and hitting it off.  Hitting the gym (including at 5:45 am to do zumba :D ahaha) Laying out and swimming in order to keep cool in the 105 degree weather.  Yep, its definately summer time!

On top of working and being at the pool, I have caught up with some old friends I hadn't talked to in too long.  It has been so nice.  Whether we've gone out and hit the town, or simply sent a little text, its nice to have them involved in my life again.

I love my new place.  I have my own room, although lacking in decoration and "Chelsea-ness", I love it.  It is a place I love to go to inorder to relax after a long day, to retreat to after a hard day, or simply to catch a little cat nap (which I admit I have been doing a little too often for my own good).

I was able to see Nightmare on Elm Street at a midnight showing (which i've decided was the most amazing and the scariest movie of all time), I went to Disneyland, and got to spend some good "quality" time shopping with Lex.

I recently got home from a weekend at Lake Powell.  It was my first time there, and it was fun! It went by way too fast! But maybe that was a good thing, considering I'm still a little sore from it. haha. It was gorgeous there, and it was a good escape from the day to day life.  I got some good sun in that weekend. Even though I lathered on sunscreen all day long, I still came home a good few shades darker.  In fact, the first time Ashley saw me after Powell, she said I am now dark enough to pull off being Mexican since I have brown hair now. Haha It was quite a funny!

But the summer has just started!  Who knows what summer has in store for me, but here's a few things I would like to see happen yet this summer:
- find my favorite place to hike
- vist home and be a host
- go to the beach
- Twilight, New Moon, and then see ECLIPSE
- Finish putting my "Chelsea" touches in my room
- have a picnic
- float down the river
- be taken on an amazing & creative date!

End of semester Excitement!

So, the semester is winding down.  Just 2 more weeks!  Even though I will be very busy during the summer, I hope it will still be filled with run and relaxation- kind of how my past couple weeks have gone.

I have been busy with work and school, but have managed to squeeze in some fun and sleep.

For instance"

going Slip 'n' Sliding in paint,

spending time with Bryton & Brylee,

going to the Zion IMAX theater and FINALLY see Avatar!!!

and doing pj late night movie night with thee girls!

In the next couple weeks I have planned, study & finish off my classes, moving out of my old, dumpy apartment into my new, wonderful town home, work, and crossing my fingers to make it back to California on the 7th!

life's candy and the sun's a BALL OF BUTTER

Don't bring around a cloud to rain on my parade

Spring break was long, but not long enough.  I was really able to enjoy myself.  I spent time with family, saw a friend for the first time in over 2 years, got my car, spent time with friends, and I got to relax.  But things are starting back up again.  School, clinicals, work.

Hey, Mister Armstein, here I am.

I am ready to finish clinicals.  I am ready to finish up my classes.  I am loving my friends.  I am loving how comfortable I feel.  I am ready for summer to begin.  The summer sun full of summer fun.  I am ready for summer nights, even more fun.  Nothing's gonna hold me back.

Nobody, no, nobody is gonna rain on my parade

It's surprising how much of memory is built around things unnoticed at the time.

Spring break has finally come.  No school. No work.  I'm free!

Or so I had thought.

I came back home to California for my car, to see my family, and to get a little bit of the wonderful California sun, but I am not free.  The moment that I hit the city line, it all starts coming back to me.  Every mile, another memory.  Everything that I have forced from my mind, and assumed I'd forgotten, hit me like it happened yesterday.  Things I thought had no importance, suddenly sent my head spinning.  My memory held onto the unnoticed things.  The things I would have never considered important were searing through my mind.

So I take this as a sign.  A sign that what I used to find comforting is no longer there, for I now find pain.  My safe harbor no longer exists, for it now causes harm.  My place of serenity has vanished, for it is now a place of confusion.

I'm on my way.  I've picked up the pieces.  I just have to put them back together--find the right place to put each piece.  I'm going to surround myself with people who will help me do that.  I'm on my way.

I have learned its not a matter of avoidance or forgetting, but of learning, growing, moving on, and demanding what I deserve--don't settle for the mistreatment I've experienced before.  I'm not going to be the same girl I was before, because it has permanently changed me.  I have learned from it, and I can't unlearn.  I don't want to unlearn what this life lesson has taught me.  In the end, I will find a new safe harbor- a new place of serenity.  I will go to sleep comforted and assured, in the end.

Memory is a way of holding on to the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose.