Life.

screw it.

The End.

(deep breath)

Just Go With It...

Have you ever had one of those moments when things just felt right?  You could just be laying there, & it dawns on you?

Well today was a day for those moments!  It happened a few times.  It is such an awesome feeling to have all your doubts or insecurities to just go away, & you're just left feeling happy.  I will share one of the times that this happend today.

I get off work, after working 8 hours with two of my friends, and I wind up talking to the same girl I worked with on facebook & texting, at the same time (yeah we're kind of dorks, but it works for us). haha. It just kinda hits me.  This is the friend I always wanted.  I haven't always had the most reliable friends, but here I am, 21 years old, & I finally found the best friend I wished for growing up.  I guess its never to late to get what you want!

Britni Kay freakin Canfield, you are my dream come true! How loved do you feel, now? lol

Just kiddin dear, but really, thanks for always being there for me, thru thick & thin, & all hours of the day/night, no matter the craziness or randomness! :)

Our Late Turkeyday (& What Matters Most- Harry Potter!)

This last week was Thanksgiving.  Mom, Ro, & Alexa got here late Wednesday night, early Thursday morning.  I worked Wednesday & Thursday.  I actually volunteered to work Thanksgiving, because we were probably going to do our own thanksgiving on the weekend, & holiday pay sounds really good about now.  Before going to work on Thursday, we got ihop, since it was the only thing open. Work went pretty well, but the best part about it, is my friend, Britni, drove all the way to town just to bring me some thanksgiving dinner!  So I still had some turkey, and mashed potatoes, and green beans, and even some pie!

After work, I went straight to Black Friday shopping with Ashley & Alexa, who were already stationed at movie size Toy Story toys.  I was sent to get a Thomas the Train set.  Thats where we were to wait until "midnight." But at about 3 mins til, people started to go crazy & start grabbing stuff.  I grabbed the train set, & ran, and was able to see Ashley get mauled by a bunch of guys! It was a pretty interesting night.

Friday, I found out my friend has never gone to the doctors with out her mom, and didn't really know what to do.  I brought her to, and sat with her at insta-care.  KIDNEY STONES!...the pain she was having, was from kidney stones.  Not so good, but later that evening, Me, Alexa, Ashley, Brian, & mom went and saw HARRY POTTER!  I loved it! It was prolly the best movie they've done (I'm not a huge fan of the earlier movies, but this one is a different story).  I know, you can laugh all you want, but I was really excited to see Harry Potter.

Saturday was "Thanksgiving."  Ashley did most of the cooking, while we helped watch the munchkins. I don't think any one was really complaining, seeing how they are so freakin cute!  So I pretty much was playing peek-a-boo with Brylee and going "rawr" with all the dinosaurs for a good chunck of the morning.  I grubbed on food.  We then watched the BYU/Utah game.  Lex & I met mom & grandma at santa's workshop where mom spoiled me by buying me nice jeans :)  I said my goodbyes to mom, ro, & lex, then brought Britni some of my thanksgiving dinner, since she had to work that night.  I was then off to Trevor's bonfire with tanya & friends.  My phone died while I was out there, so I got home realizing it was about 4 in the morning.  Man! Those pallets took a long time to burn- but I had fun, so I won't complain!

Quite a weekend, don't you think!?!

1. 2. 3. BREAK!!!

Ok, so, can I say, Thanksgiving break is needed very much?!  School & work has been keeping me so busy.  I feel like I barely see or talk to anyone.  I go all week without sleep.  I go all week without getting to relax.  Most of the time, weekends are just the same, but maybe I get an extra hour or two of sleep.  Thanksgiving break really wont be too much of a break, but still, the idea of it is still pretty nice.  I work full shifts on Wednesday & Thursday.  Friday will probably be spent doing homework & getting the food ready to be cooked, & Saturday will be spent cooking, stuffing face, & then cleaning.  I am hoping that I will still be enjoying myself, and get to sit & relax with friends and family.  I am still definately keeping my fingers crossed for this weekend.  I still surprise myself with how hopeful I can be, considering I tend to be quite pessimistic.

I'm thinking this week should go well (knock on wood), considering how it has started off.  Today I woke up at a decent time (Early enough that the day wasn't wasted, but late enough I'm not sleep deprived), and got a couple errands done.  Then I went to Brit's house to watch a movie & Law and Order: SVU & squeezed in a little cat nap on her recliner.  I then met up with Rylee & did skills in the nursing lab, followed by dinner and getting to see my adorable nephew.  I am now home, planning on getting to bed at a decent time, after dealing with a few roommate issues.

Oh yeah!  P.S.  Brylee's birthday was a success.  She was pretty darn cute!

Hello, Mac & Cheese :(

Have you ever had a time, when you look at your bank account and you want to cry?  Well, I sure have, and it just happened tonight!  I knew this semester was really going to drain my account & the very little savings I had, but ACTUALLY seeing it happen, is still heartbreaking.  I look at that little number in my account, and I can hear my stomach growling already, because with my rent & car payment every month, there really isnt much left over for food....or gas, or prescriptions, or going out with friends, or niece's birthday presents.  Pretty much, just enough money to keep a roof over my head & to get me to school/work.

I can't wait for Thanksgiving to come!...but its not for reasons you might think.  I can't wait, because I'm working Thanksgiving, which mean time & a half pay, which as I just mentioned, I can really use!  There are a few more things I can't wait for.  I have so many count downs going on in my head!

I can't wait for:
Sunday- a day I can finally relax, study, & maybe get a little sun in the afternoon
Monday (8th)- I donate plasma (get $20) & work 8 hours!
Wednesday (10th)- PAY DAY!
Friday (12th)- my last day of maternal newborn
                       find out if I got a job, I am so desiring!
Tuesday (16th)- my last day of peds
Thursday (25th)- Thanksgiving....yay for time & a half
December 10th- the last day of the semester!

So, until I get my work hours up for awhile, which probably won't be right around the corner, I think it will be back to top ramen or mac & cheese for my meal of the day! Joy...

Halloween has come & GONE

So halloween is officially here.  Friday we pretty much did a girls night- in costumes (we ended up changing out of our costumes realitively quickly though).  It was a night of junk food, stories, laughs, music, etc.  Yes, there were dances, parties, and djs all over the place that night, but that lil get together was just as good, if not better than all of them.

Tonight, Saturday night, I was able to meet up real quick with a friend and briefly watch a couple innings of the Giants game.  I had to leave early to go trick-or-treating with Bryton & Brylee.  They were Woody & Jessie, from toystory.  Bryton is getting so big! He actually got the concept of trick-or-treating this year--for the most part.  He was so excited, and would run as fast as his little legs would carry him and his bucket full of candy.  Brylee was a trooper, even when she was tired--but she did pretty much refuse to leave her cowgirl hat on.  The night ended with me coming home do homework....and blog.   :)

This next week is going to be a real busy week, but the semester is winding down now! Just 6 weeks left! I can almost taste it!!

Unpacking Baggage

I don't know what I have to do, in order to get over all the baggage left from the crap growing up.  It's a lot easier to say that you completely trust someone, but it doesn't mean that saying it makes all the doubt go away.  I would love to just openly trust those I like, but i just can't stop questioning.  I dwell, and that doesn't help anything either.  How am I supposed to unpack the baggage that I've been lugging around since I can remember?  How do I stop the doubts, the questions, and put my faith in someone again?

My List

My list of things to do in the next 24 hours:

*Pharmacology paper- teaching about Xanax
*Nursing Psych paper
*Renal/Urinary test
*Donate plasma
*Work 8 hours
*Study for Pharm test
*Nursing Peds reading assignment
*Clean the kitchen
*Work on Pharm worksheet
*Grocery shopping

I guess I should stop blogging/procrasinating and get to work!....but I really don't want to! :/  haha

No Such Thing as a Vacation in the Middle of the Week?? .....Liar!

In the middle of the week, I had a mini little vay-cay.  Me and my friend, Brit, went to a concert up north at UVU.  We saw Auburn, Iyaz, B.o.B. and Jason Derulo.  It was a great trip!  Some how, me and Britni can entertain eachother, without getting bored or sick of eachother, for the 3 1/2 hour car ride there, and then back.  The concert was so good, especially for so cheap.  I was surprised at how well each of the 3 rappers could sing!  They actually have a voice (and quite nice bodies haha)!  We sang along and danced into the night.

After the concert, me and Brit were gonna catch up with an old friend before calling it a night, when we continued to get lost over and over again--on the same two streets too! And I am proud to say it wasn't me being directionally challenged that cause it!  It was pure miscommunication -and some bad directions from a friend of a friend, and the GPS was wrong too....But after about an hour and a half, we got it worked out! We were up sooo late, because of it.  We couldn't "be found" and then take off.  We still had to play!

We woke up after just a couple hours of sleep, rolled outta bed, brushed our teeth, grabbed a bit to eat, and hit the road.  I had a chem lab to go to and Brit had 4 hours of work to go to, back in St. George.  We were both exhausted, but we sang songs at the top of our lungs, and laughed til our abs hurt, until we made it back home.

It was completely worth the exhaustion.  I had a blast!  And I love spending time with Britni!  She is one of my few friends that are consistent, dependable, and there for me.  We always have a good time, whether we are bumming it in pjs, watching movies, going to Texas Roadhouse, or hittin the road for a quick vacation.

Puzzles & Daydreaming

In the past few days, I have experienced things for the first time, seen things I've never seen before.  It wasn't really the easiest at the moment, and honestly, even at the present.  But keeping the big picture in mind, and not just thinking about this minute, it is good.  It gives me hope.  I know that there is some good out there, and I can find it.

The thing that gets me is that, sometimes, what you want, and what you want now, don't match.  It doesn't make any sense to me how that works.  Its like saying you can put two pieces of the puzzle together, and they fit! Okay, now you have to put them into place with the rest of the puzzle--now they don't fit.  It defys logic.  I am a passionate girl--you'd be kidding yourself if you thought otherwise.  I am passion, but I am smart too.  I am logical.  It mystifies me.

My schedule has not lightened up much.  It is still hectic, and I should be doing something just about every second of the day, but I have found myself not being able to focus on anything! Everything is taking me so much longer to get done.  I can't focus, but the crazy thing is, I can't tell you what in the world I'm thinking about or doing that's occupying all my time.  I will look down at my book, daze out into my own, unknown thoughts, and when I look up, almost two hours have gone by.  That's not good.  I better get some weights strapped to my feet to keep me here in reality.  I don't have time for day dreaming.  Day dreaming gets me into too much trouble.

The Countdown Has Started....Already!

School has kept me wayyyyy too busy for the last month! I'm already counting down the days til the end of the semester is here! I have been so stressed, I am surpirsed I don't have a head of white hair already.  The second semester of the nursing program, the 2 extra classes I'm taking, plus work, is enough to drive anyone insane!

Then you have to remember the need to get some sleep, eat, and not to mention, have a little fun.  I've gotten lunch with Ashley and Bryton and Brylee.  Bryton is still my ray of sunshine on a cloudy, wet day.  Squeeze in some study sessions with friends, dinner with the girls from work, or a bbq here and there, and you have my last 5 weeks.  Well, and then there's my periodic stops at Sinclair.  I've gotten some good advice from Austin.  He is determined that I am not taking care of myself enough.  Crackin some jokes with Trevor.  Feeling like I'm ten years old leaving the hospital with Rylee after our day at clinicals.  Surprise visit from my dad.  A spur of the moment move. Sleep deprivation taking a bigger and bigger toll everyday, and the rush to be at clinicals at 5:45 in the morning, when you wake up at 5:41.

Now, I just need to find time to breathe.

music is what feelings SOUND like

I absolutely love music!  It says things better than I ever could! It expresses my feelings with the words I try to find!  Music will be there to give me hope!  Music is there to put me in a good mood, when nothing else will.  Music is an intricate part of my life- an intricate part of me.

Some songs I can't stop listening to in the past week or so:
       (there is no special order)

• Jaron & the Long Road Home- Pray for You
• Boys Like Girls- Love Drunk
• Gary Allan- Watching Airplanes
• Glee Cast- Hello
• Lady Antebellum- Need You Now
• Jason Mraz- Lucky
• Miley Cyrus- The Climb
• Snow Patrol- Chasing Cars
• Josh Turner- Why Don't We Just Dance
• Josh Turner- Me and God
• Lee Brice- Love Like Crazy
• Parachute- The Mess I Made
• Glee Cast- I Dreamed a Dream
• Carrie Underwood- Undo It
• Vega 4- Life is Beautiful
• Snow Patrol- Run
• Switchfoot- 24
• Ingrid Michaelson- Keep Breathing
• Jon Mclaughlin- Close
• Glee Cast- To Sir, With Love
• Josh Turner- Soulmate
• Jarod Niemann- Lover, Lover
• B.o.B.- Airplanes
• Luke Bryan- Rain is a Good Thing
• Muse- Uprising
• Ke$ha- Your Love is My Drug

I know its a lot.  Would you believe me that this was me cutting it down???  Well it was! It was hard for me to even narrow it down to this!  Have I said I love music? 

"Music speaks what cannot be expressed, soothes the mind and gives it rest, heals the heart and makes it whole. flows from heaven to the soul."

Reflecting, Inspiration, Work

The past few days I've done a lot of reflecting- thinking about what I want, where I am, where I want to be.  I realized that I have so far to go, but no worries, I'm on my way, and I will get there.  Yeah it might sound cheesy and cliche, but you know it doesn't make it any less true.

Lately, I have felt like spending all day with art.  I just want to draw all the time.  The only problem I can't find anything that I want to draw. I have no ideas, no inspiration, on what to do.  The other day, I got out all my art stuff, but sat there for ages trying to figure out what to do.  Yeah, I never came up with anything. I gotta find something, some sort inspiration, cuz its driving me crazy!

I am back to the real world of work, clean, work, sleep, and work some more.  It is ok though, because I need to earn the money! money, money, money.  There never seems to be enough.  Boy I can't wait until the end of the year, when I can actually start making some real money!

False Hopes

Have you ever built something up in your mind even though you tell everyone, even yourself, that you're indifferent, that it doesn't matter, that you aren't expecting anything?  In reality you have these high hopes buried deep down inside but you refuse to admit and acknowledge?  But then it hits you like a ton of bricks when you realize that they were all false?  I'm doing just that- trying to crawl out of an avalanche of bricks. Hopefully it makes me wiser, stronger, more determined.  And not dumber and more skittish.  Wise. Stong. Determined. Say it again. Wise. Strong. Determined.

we could RUN away

For the past few weeks, I feel like all I have done is work.  And if I'm not working, then I'm trying to catch up on sleeping.  I need as many work hours as I can get, but this is also supposed to be my summer BREAK.  Its not much of a break.  I just feel really drained.  The cherry on top, my favorite resident (patient) at work died.  I was the only one working at the time.  I had to be the one to clean her and get her ready for her family to see.  It was good she passed on, but I didn't want to see her after she'd gone.  I actually have more than one day off this week, so I am going to try and have some fun, relax, and have some "me" time.  I have decided to run away for the next couple days!


I was just going through some pictures this morning, and I realized I have squeezed in some laughs even though I'm becoming more of a work-a-holic everyday, and am completely exhausted.  Whether it is making wonderful birthday cakes, hitting a midnight movie and a late night birthday bash after work, putting up some room decorations in my room before bed and going to sleep feeling content,  impressing people with my mad bowling skills, or sitting in the back of a theater laughing at the movie or counting down the minutes til its over with a friend. I have to remember those little things that make me smile through out the week!

Oh good news of week.  I actually went grocery shopping for the first time in over 3 weeks! yesss. I actually have a little something to eat now when I'm home.

And So It Begins...

I have been so busy, I haven't even thought of my blog! So there's a lot to catch up on and to say.

Its summer time! I'm out of school. Working as many hours as I can.  Playing with Bryton and Brylee for much longer than I ever plan.  Going to Lake Powell for the weekend.  Meeting new people in the most random or unexpected times, and hitting it off.  Hitting the gym (including at 5:45 am to do zumba :D ahaha) Laying out and swimming in order to keep cool in the 105 degree weather.  Yep, its definately summer time!

On top of working and being at the pool, I have caught up with some old friends I hadn't talked to in too long.  It has been so nice.  Whether we've gone out and hit the town, or simply sent a little text, its nice to have them involved in my life again.

I love my new place.  I have my own room, although lacking in decoration and "Chelsea-ness", I love it.  It is a place I love to go to inorder to relax after a long day, to retreat to after a hard day, or simply to catch a little cat nap (which I admit I have been doing a little too often for my own good).

I was able to see Nightmare on Elm Street at a midnight showing (which i've decided was the most amazing and the scariest movie of all time), I went to Disneyland, and got to spend some good "quality" time shopping with Lex.

I recently got home from a weekend at Lake Powell.  It was my first time there, and it was fun! It went by way too fast! But maybe that was a good thing, considering I'm still a little sore from it. haha. It was gorgeous there, and it was a good escape from the day to day life.  I got some good sun in that weekend. Even though I lathered on sunscreen all day long, I still came home a good few shades darker.  In fact, the first time Ashley saw me after Powell, she said I am now dark enough to pull off being Mexican since I have brown hair now. Haha It was quite a funny!

But the summer has just started!  Who knows what summer has in store for me, but here's a few things I would like to see happen yet this summer:
- find my favorite place to hike
- vist home and be a host
- go to the beach
- Twilight, New Moon, and then see ECLIPSE
- Finish putting my "Chelsea" touches in my room
- have a picnic
- float down the river
- be taken on an amazing & creative date!

End of semester Excitement!

So, the semester is winding down.  Just 2 more weeks!  Even though I will be very busy during the summer, I hope it will still be filled with run and relaxation- kind of how my past couple weeks have gone.

I have been busy with work and school, but have managed to squeeze in some fun and sleep.

For instance"

going Slip 'n' Sliding in paint,

spending time with Bryton & Brylee,

going to the Zion IMAX theater and FINALLY see Avatar!!!

and doing pj late night movie night with thee girls!

In the next couple weeks I have planned, study & finish off my classes, moving out of my old, dumpy apartment into my new, wonderful town home, work, and crossing my fingers to make it back to California on the 7th!

life's candy and the sun's a BALL OF BUTTER

Don't bring around a cloud to rain on my parade

Spring break was long, but not long enough.  I was really able to enjoy myself.  I spent time with family, saw a friend for the first time in over 2 years, got my car, spent time with friends, and I got to relax.  But things are starting back up again.  School, clinicals, work.

Hey, Mister Armstein, here I am.

I am ready to finish clinicals.  I am ready to finish up my classes.  I am loving my friends.  I am loving how comfortable I feel.  I am ready for summer to begin.  The summer sun full of summer fun.  I am ready for summer nights, even more fun.  Nothing's gonna hold me back.

Nobody, no, nobody is gonna rain on my parade

It's surprising how much of memory is built around things unnoticed at the time.

Spring break has finally come.  No school. No work.  I'm free!

Or so I had thought.

I came back home to California for my car, to see my family, and to get a little bit of the wonderful California sun, but I am not free.  The moment that I hit the city line, it all starts coming back to me.  Every mile, another memory.  Everything that I have forced from my mind, and assumed I'd forgotten, hit me like it happened yesterday.  Things I thought had no importance, suddenly sent my head spinning.  My memory held onto the unnoticed things.  The things I would have never considered important were searing through my mind.

So I take this as a sign.  A sign that what I used to find comforting is no longer there, for I now find pain.  My safe harbor no longer exists, for it now causes harm.  My place of serenity has vanished, for it is now a place of confusion.

I'm on my way.  I've picked up the pieces.  I just have to put them back together--find the right place to put each piece.  I'm going to surround myself with people who will help me do that.  I'm on my way.

I have learned its not a matter of avoidance or forgetting, but of learning, growing, moving on, and demanding what I deserve--don't settle for the mistreatment I've experienced before.  I'm not going to be the same girl I was before, because it has permanently changed me.  I have learned from it, and I can't unlearn.  I don't want to unlearn what this life lesson has taught me.  In the end, I will find a new safe harbor- a new place of serenity.  I will go to sleep comforted and assured, in the end.

Memory is a way of holding on to the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose.

Roller-coaster Week

Last weekend I was able to see my fabulous sister play some volleyball in her Las Vegas tournament.  It was great to see her, especially in her element, where she stands out and shines above the rest.  I was stuck sleeping on the rollaway bed-which I preferred to call it the cup, so the sleep wasn't too good, but still worth it.  That weekend, I also realized that I had some good roommates.  I could feel the love even from an hour and half away! :)

I have met some friends in the last week, which is always desirable! :)  I still don't know too many people here in St. George, but I find myself feeling quite at home, and enjoy it- most days.   I am making the effort to not be so shy.  I think I have some people fooled.

My group gave their presentation in Med/Surg this week....and we DOMINATED! haha I am happy to have it over with, but I still think that we pulled off a good presentation, even with one member not showing up.  I am expecting a good grade, which is always nice.

Dani and I found the most amazing town home.  We want to live in it soooooo badly! We are keeping our fingers crossed that it is still on the market when our contract at our current place starts to wrap up.  It is an amazing place! And I could totally feel 100% at home there.  I absolutely love it! Hopefully no one else feels as strongly about it, that way me and Dani can live there!

I sold my Civic.  So it will be time to say good bye to the old lady!  I think getting it sold made my week.  It is such a comfort knowing i'm gonna have all that cash handed to me.  But I did not expect to feel any sadness seeing that blue babe go.  But  I guess after all, we have been through a lot.  Learning to drive, my driver's test, packed with friends going off campus for lunch, boy time, going to college, nights of tears, and so much more.  That car has survived a lot and seen so much of my life.  But my new baby will get to see so much more! :)

3 CHEERS for the Weekend!

I have had a good, but busy week.  I bought a car- 2010 Mazda 3.  I had to deal with the confusion and stress of Fedex delivering my papers to the wrong apartment complex.  I pulled 2 all nighters because of work, in the middle of the school week.  I also had 2 tests to take this week, along with doing my nursing skill pass offs, so I can start clinicals next week.

So much busy work, and so many late nights.  Some my choice, some not.  I would be so drained and miserable, but I have a fun roommate/ best person to hang with.  We can be doing absolutely nothing, but laugh so hard that I swear I'm gonna wake up with washboard abs.  We can be something random and spur of the moment, but still wind up getting it on video, or at least getting pictures of it.

My week has been busy, but now the weekend is here!  No classes (still have some hw, but i can do that anytime, anywhere, and wearing pjs if I want).  Sleeping in.  Time to go on nice runs.  Having fun with friends.  Movies.  Time to simply live, laugh, and be me.

Lessons Learned

So pretty much I've had quite a couple weeks.  It's been eventful, boring, busy, and exciting.  I have had hard times.  I have had fun times.  Like I said, quite a couple of weeks.

I have learned:

1) Your entire day can change in an instant.
2) Roommates can make things better, or make things worse.
3) You can never know some one too well.
4) I am apparently not that nice of a person.
5) I hate stereotypes.
6) My gut is always right
7) I need to listen to my gut, and not let myself get in my own way.
8) Life is hard.
9) What comes around doesn't always go around.
10) I need to expect the unexpected.

***New Moon***

     Yeah that's right, New Moon!  Me, Ashley, and Lex all went to see it when we got together during Thanksgiving time.  We all had matching Edward shirts and we looked amazing wearing them, too! lol The movie was great, and we had fun.  I think the best part of the movie, was Alexa's commentary.  As she hears girls screaming and hollering for Jacob/Taylor Lautner, she leans over and says, "I don't get why they're screaming.  I just want to throw up!"  It was great.  Made my day!  Mom and Ro watched Bryton and Brylee for Ashley so she could go.  Not like they would ever complain about that!

Christmas Party

So Lacie, from work, was on "party patrol" as she would call it.  She MADE sure I was going to the work Christmas party.  It was pretty fun- different from what I was expecting.  I went home with a $20 gift card for walmart (my groceries), a digital picture keychain thing, Harry Potter and the Half-blood Prince on DVD, and a package of popcorn.  Pretty sweet stuff for just showing up.  Lacie had to document the Christmas Party.  So here we are: Lacie, Richard, Me, and Becca!